Im home... sad or happy?

After spending 2 weeks in NS, i get to come home for 3 days... So this is my first day... well... at first i was glad that im home but now, i feel so bored and empty. As if I'm rotting again like a vege eventhough today is just the first day im home. Sometimes i really dont understand myself... is it just me being paranoid or my life really din change at all... I felt like spending my time in camp is more worth while than spending my time back in my normal life... well, first thing first, when im in the camp, there's always sumone for me to talk with but here, everybody is busy with their stuff except me who got nothing to do and that really bores me out... But im also happy that i have come back home because there are so many womderful things that i did in camp that i want to share them (my experience) with my parents and my sis... I also miss my bed, the good food and my other personal stuff...

-sigh-

Spending my 2 weeks in the camp was really nice and memorable. I dont feel like i lost somthing instead i felt that i have gain more... From there, there are things that really did motivate me. Although it didnt affect me 100%, i felt that there are some changes in myself that only me myself knows. Today after i came back, my mum told me that the colledge that i have applied had replied my application. I have just read the letter and now im on a dilemma on whether should I got off early from ns to cont my studies or to finish the whole NS programme. At first, i plan to finish it but after some time, I come to know that majority of my frens are going off early to continue their studies so this situation has had me ended up in a dilemma. Should I follow my frens by doing the same thing or just go on with my plan that i have had on mind earlier? Until now, the decision is still undecided. I hate it when I have to choose a path when both paths are equally beneficial to me.

-sigh-

Im suffering from a headache right now again. Besides this problem, im also facing another problem which is love-relationship thing again. I really dont understand me when it comes to this issue. Its like I have told myself not to fall in love again but no... my heart refuse to listen and BAM!!! "oh look! im in love again... isit it great?" great my foot man! But this is the first time that the person that i had a crush on, likes me in return. Well, i wont deny that having that person to feel the same way as u is like totally awesome and the feeling is like ur iin 7th heaven. But whats the point of being happy when u urself 100% know that now is not the right time!!! I mean i was seriously damn disappointed with myself and i hate rejecting the person that i have feelings for u know. That really makes my heart aching with pain and guilt u know. Its like somewhere inside my head is telling me that im letting off a very rare chance that i dont think i will have it (come to think of the worst) anymore. But its ok, the promise that i make to myself is more important than this, I think I have make the right choice for now which MAYBE can make me regret in future. However, what is done is done and i will try my very best to face the consequences of the decision that i have made. I hope he'll find sumone who deserves him more than me. -smile slightly-

I hate it...

ok... i have to spill out this feeling before i went crazy... i have a crush on a guy!!!! now i feel better... abit... i hate myself when i am in this situation... its like history repeats itself again... because last time, i always have crushes on guys and sadly, they are always one-sided and some of them knew when his friend spill it out to him making me looked like a complete retarded idiot... Thinking about my past always makes me sighed with disappointment because it always make me realise that what a complete idiot i am when it comes to this issue... and now, when i tell myself not to have feelings for any guys but my books, some stupid cupid came and shoot its arrow at me then wala! im in love again...

tsk...

Im so disappointed at myself u know but i've make up my mind... no matter how my feelings start to grow for one person, i will try my best to ignore it and focus on my studies so that my fragile heart will not ended up scattered on the cold hard floor again... besides, after my previous fall from a 30storey building, i am still recovering from my pain and suffer that that fall have brought me and this time, i am building and fixing myself a pair of wings that can support me and hold me tight so that the next time i were to fall again from a higher building, my heart and my self will not land themselves onto the cold hard floor that has nothing to decrease its impulsive force against me...

i know that its imposible for him and me to be together yet that cupid still struck my heart with the arrow but i'm going to fight against this feeling as i have not recover completely. Maybe some day when the time is right and if we are meant for each other then only i will take the risk to fall in love again and try my best not to follow my past but instead use my past to improve my present and my future... There's no one in the world that can force u to do what u dont want or dislike and there's also no one to blame when u have done something wrong because it is all up to u... ur own decision and ur own will whether to be involve in anything or not. Its like saying that "The power is in ur hands"... the power to change from good to evil... the power to change from cruel to kind... the power to turn love to hatred or the power to turn them vice versa... its all up to u.. because this is your own life and its u who is the main character in your own story (your life) and no one can take that away from u... Its completely up to u on how to write ur story out, others can guide u but they can never write your story for you because the person who undergoes the journey in your story is you, not them not even your parents... So from this, i have realise alot, learn alot and even explore alot and i will try my best to use that "alot"s to improve myself may it be physically and mentally... but they always say action speek louder than words... so i will try and will always keep on trying to improve myself, to be a better person in life...

i feel so much better after writing this... =)

less than 48hrs more to go...

ok... today is monday and on wednesday is the day where all the last year SPM students will be biting their nails, grabbing their hairs or praying hard for the results that they have been waited are finally here... some will not be bothered by it as they don't plan to continue their studies anymore or they already continue studying... in short, they are not bothered because it doesn't affect whatever they are doing or planning to do... but some are depending on the results for whether they are going to colledge or continue form 6 to study... and im in this group of people... because if my results are good enough to get a scholarship then i get to go colledge... that is IF my results are god enough... but if its the other way round then i got no choice but to enter form6 like what i said in one of my previous blogs... either way, i'll just accept it.. take it that its fated... although i would love to experience colledge life, if my results doesn't allow me to do so then there's nothing that i can do... hope that my results are good enough. anyway the results will be out in less than 48hrs time... imagine that!!! i know im being paranoid but i can't help it... my whole future is depending on it u know... hope it turns out good...

wed, wed, wed...

next wednesday will be the day SPM results are coming out... Im still counting down the days to THE day... the day that will determine my future... my career path... will i be ended up having my dream job or am i destined for something else? This question will be answered by my results when i get them... I scared that the results turn out to be worse than i aspect it to be.. i dont think i can handle that if it would to happen... my mum told me not to worry, that she'll accepts whatever that comes... but i know, deep in her heart, that's not what she really wants... because who on earth would not want to feel proud of their child? Who would not want their child to grow up and become a fine citizen and a role model for the younger generations? Who wants their child to be a useless being for the rest of their lives and not being able to go after their dream? The answer is NO ONE!!! -sigh- anyway, whatever the results are... I'll just try my best to accept it... And study harder for next exam... still... i dont think i can sleep well on the eve... probably should meditate which will have me ended up sleeping in no time... lol... hhhmm... actually... im not satisfied with the government... I mean why must they tell us a wk before the actual result day? cant they just tell us 2 or 3 days before that actual date? the days are seriously killing me... and curiousity is eating me up slowly... day by day... seriously... tsk... oh well...
Then the wed after that wed... will be the day when i'll get emotional with my babies and darlings... know what are they? my handphone and my laptop... my darlings!!!! dont know whether can survive in camp or not... just being sarcastic... anyway, im looking forward to it actually... really looking forward to it... Cause it'll be a whole new experience, meeting new people and learn to be tough and independent... im excited!! can't wait... it'll be a new being of a new life for me... Forget the past and move on with the future... yes!! im ready for it!!! =) so... im still counting down the days... counting and counting and counting...

my future

ok... i went for the education fair that was held at PISA on sat and sun... well... there are a few reasons on why i went there both days... num.1, there are 2 talks that i wanted to attend but one is on sat and another is on sun... num.2, my sis was having her swimming comp on both of the days... so... i get to go to the talks that i wanted to go to and at the same time... my parents won't lecture me about the petrol $$... hehe good huh? killing 2 birds with one stone... im good at this... XD but actually this is called luck not smart... cos they fall on the same days accidentally ma...
anyway, cut the crap... =D
ok... hhhmm... after i went to the fair and also for the talks... i did got more imfomation on the career that i wanted to go into... bsids that, maybe i wont be going to form 6 anymore... that is if my results are good enough to get me a full scholarship to study in TAR Colledge or somewhere else... but after i went for the fair... theres this Swimburne University thats located in Kuching... it offerers 2yrs in kuching and 2 yrs in Aust... Aust leh!!! aka overseas!!! unfortunately its too exp... sobs... no $ no go... ='( nvm la... but after i IF manage to go colledge or university... im so gonna piah and achieve my dream as high as i can!!! even if there are no guys that got as high post as me... and i remain single... i dont care!!! so what if im single? as long as im a professional... who cares if im single? anyway... by becoming a professional... i'll be hanging around with all other professionals than to hang out with the unnecessary ppl (exclude my frens k... i wont treat em like that) like last time... tsk tsk... that was seriously a mistake that i regretted doing man.. i mean at first i tot it wud be ok but i was so wrong man... but nvm... once bitten, twice shy... im not gonna make the same mistake again... no way... im gonna change into a better person... im so gonna do that =)