I hate it...

ok... i have to spill out this feeling before i went crazy... i have a crush on a guy!!!! now i feel better... abit... i hate myself when i am in this situation... its like history repeats itself again... because last time, i always have crushes on guys and sadly, they are always one-sided and some of them knew when his friend spill it out to him making me looked like a complete retarded idiot... Thinking about my past always makes me sighed with disappointment because it always make me realise that what a complete idiot i am when it comes to this issue... and now, when i tell myself not to have feelings for any guys but my books, some stupid cupid came and shoot its arrow at me then wala! im in love again...

tsk...

Im so disappointed at myself u know but i've make up my mind... no matter how my feelings start to grow for one person, i will try my best to ignore it and focus on my studies so that my fragile heart will not ended up scattered on the cold hard floor again... besides, after my previous fall from a 30storey building, i am still recovering from my pain and suffer that that fall have brought me and this time, i am building and fixing myself a pair of wings that can support me and hold me tight so that the next time i were to fall again from a higher building, my heart and my self will not land themselves onto the cold hard floor that has nothing to decrease its impulsive force against me...

i know that its imposible for him and me to be together yet that cupid still struck my heart with the arrow but i'm going to fight against this feeling as i have not recover completely. Maybe some day when the time is right and if we are meant for each other then only i will take the risk to fall in love again and try my best not to follow my past but instead use my past to improve my present and my future... There's no one in the world that can force u to do what u dont want or dislike and there's also no one to blame when u have done something wrong because it is all up to u... ur own decision and ur own will whether to be involve in anything or not. Its like saying that "The power is in ur hands"... the power to change from good to evil... the power to change from cruel to kind... the power to turn love to hatred or the power to turn them vice versa... its all up to u.. because this is your own life and its u who is the main character in your own story (your life) and no one can take that away from u... Its completely up to u on how to write ur story out, others can guide u but they can never write your story for you because the person who undergoes the journey in your story is you, not them not even your parents... So from this, i have realise alot, learn alot and even explore alot and i will try my best to use that "alot"s to improve myself may it be physically and mentally... but they always say action speek louder than words... so i will try and will always keep on trying to improve myself, to be a better person in life...

i feel so much better after writing this... =)